Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
