my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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