3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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