now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
