Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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