Your tits are I can't wait for
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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