Capitaan dildo arrescate!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
