Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
