You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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