This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
