I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
