he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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