what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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