If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
