I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh god it's open bar.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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