You're my little dorito
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
