ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
