Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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