Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
