Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
