You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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