is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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