you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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