I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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