chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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