she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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