I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize