I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
