Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize