i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
