Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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