I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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