mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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