I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
