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nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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