dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
