My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
