I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize