i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
