I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
