You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
