There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
