Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What drink are we having for lunch?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
