Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
