My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I look better un-naked...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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