i just google imaged poop.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
