When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
