2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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