i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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