I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
