I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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