4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So drunk its hurt
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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