: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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