If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
