I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
