When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
