Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
