I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
